Sweat and Tears

[JONATHAN WARRAIN MERRIWEATHER]

This was what I was waiting for. Senior year on the field. Next it was the big games, playing for college, then off to the NFL. Doing what I was born to do. Hell, I was QB 1. Everyone wanted to be me, or so they thought they did. I had everything going for me, I will give them that. But not everything was peaches and cream. I had three sisters that really looked up to me, and I of course looked out for them, and our parents, they tended to push a little to hard, on all of us, but then if we hadn’t, we wouldn’t have gotten to where we are. Respectable southerners who are very family oriented.

I remember that first game of my senior year. I was QB 1 since lord knows when. I was the one they always wanted. I could read a field, I could always put the ball right where it was needed. To be honest, the field was my place, not even the coach would go against my calls. I was the one out there, I had a much better vantage point. And if we got behind, shit, it wasn’t for long, I was far to cocky on the field and knew far to well what I was doing, and made sure everyone knew it.

I walked onto the field before the game like I owned it, like I always did. I took one look at the other team, they were nothing. Not when I had a fullback, a running back and a line that couldn’t be penetrated like I did. We were running circles around the other team and things couldn’t have been going any better. They did some adjustments on the other side, I didn’t let it phase me, because I couldn’t. But no one could ever have expected what happened next.

It was fourth quarter, the game was pretty much ours. I had to keep the ball on our side for just a little longer, which I could easily, making another 7 points to the board and stopping their offense in its tracks. But then the snap game, and I stepped back and scanned the field. Spotting my man I released the ball, and watched it sail through the air, my beautiful Hail Mary pass. It took an arm to even attempt a throw like that. But what I hadn’t seen, was the quickly incoming defenders, one took out my receiver, the other took my ball. Okay, yes, it was my damn ball! And I was the only one who could keep the game in our favor, the only one who could stop the inception touchdown. I had to do what I had to. And that was take out this defender that had my ball. I took off across the field, and hunkered down, and took the hit.

As soon as I did, I felt something in my neck crack, and my whole body go limply stiff. All I could think about was getting back up. I couldn’t. It felt like an hour, though it was probably only two minutes before I could faintly hear my mother screaming my name. And then there were closer voices, I would guess to say Coach and them. I wasn’t sure, I was face first in the turf. All I could think about was getting back up. Finishing the game, moving on past this. But I couldn’t. It was a feeling that is indescribable. At least I couldn’t feel pain....but then I couldn’t feel anything. Other than my mother’s screaming and the coachs around me, I could tell the stadium was silent.

Not only was I QB 1 for my team, I was the highest pick on college lists, every college wanted me, every professional recruiter was already watching for me. And here I was, face first in the turf, unable to feel a thing, I could only imagine what my girlfriend was thinking. I wouldn’t know though, that she was praying for me to get back up, the ambulance backing up drowned out everything, including my mother, the pain I was trying to feel, the fact I was trying to move something, to get up and couldn’t. I barely remember the EMT’s turning me over and talking to me. I felt like I was moving the limbs they asked of me, my brain told me so, they were still there....I think...I couldn’t even move my head to look and see.

I was loaded onto a backboard as my family watched with tears, or I would guess, I don’t remember anything else about that night, blacking out before I made it in the ambulance. I wasn’t even aware of who Coach put in, nor that we did still win the game. I woke up hours later to see everything was still attached, but no matter what I did, nothing moved. No! This couldn’t be. I had to get back up, I couldn’t have everything crumble around me. I moaned as I tried so hard to get off that bed. I was barely aware that my girlfriend and my family were there. They were just glad I was awake and alive, even if my complete diagnoses wouldn’t come for days.

For those days I prayed things would be alright, that I would walk again, that I wouldn’t be a fucking vegetable as the doctors were telling me I would be. I had to have faith, that most my family abandoned, me and my girl, I swore I would marry her one day. Then the diagnoses came. I completely fractured the C7-T1 vertebrae in my neck. I would be lucky to ever have use of my hands again, walking, out of the question. I wanted nothing more than to sink right into my bed. I lived to play football, and that was taken away from me, I had nothing left. I snapped at everyone, even my girlfriend. Her happy and upbeatness pissed me off. She kept holding onto a belief that I would one day walk again.

If I had known what that would have done, I might not have done it. I pushed her to my best friend. Right to him, she was so upset with me and slept with him, more than once. I was moved to a rehabilitation home and that’s when I started noticing. I got angry at everything. Any little thing pissed me off. Including my roommate at the time, he was a cripple, just like me, same damage to, different cause. It was then I learned I had fight left in me, and still had use of part of myself. I asked to be taken out for a day, in which my best friend did willingly, the girlfriend, she wasn’t as happy about it. But she even came along. And I noticed them after dropping me back off.

I couldn’t confront them directly, I asked my girlfriend about it, she denied it. I knew she was lying, she forgot how readable she was. I forced my way into playing a rugby game, yes, there’s wheelchair rugby. What I thought was my best friend had the gall to show up, and send looks to my girl. I had enough. I punched him. Hard. And told the bitch to get lost. Normally I don’t think that way of women, but what she done was dirty and I wasn’t having it. I was an angry man, and nothing, or I thought nothing would get me past that, then I realized I had much more to live for, and with the lawsuit my parents placed against Coach, I left. I left without a word to my sisters, without a word to anyone. I had to have a new start, I left for Oregon, and haven’t looked back since.